Online dating. What can I say about it?
It sucks.
It’s an awful means to an end that has eradicated the beauty of traditional meet-cutes. Gone are the days of bumping into a soulmate randomly in a Blockbuster and swooning instantly over his (or her) eyes and smile while you reach for the same vintage VHS tape.
Now, we all get to cull through filtered photographic misinterpretations just to awkwardly await the infamous results: will it be the unsolicited profanity pic, the blatant ‘let’s meet up and have last-name-less sex,’ or, my personal favorite, ‘let’s match then ghost.’
Let’s explore these, shall we?
The desire to send dick pics. Pray tell, gentlemen… Why the hell would I want to see a pinup of your penis? Seriously?
First of all, I already don’t know if your face is even going to be real, and you expect me to get excited over a conveniently angled mugshot of your lower brain? Second of all, unless your member can actually hold a conversation more intelligently than your upper brain, I don’t want to engage it.
Lastly, a still picture of a random erection does nothing for me personally. I don’t run out to buy porn magazines for dick visuals to masturbate to. So no, I do not want to see OR SEND pictures of our privates, especially before we have even met.
Not judging women who are into it, by the way (are there any?). However, based on the number of women I actually know and talk to, not a single one of us welcomes the moment when an unexpected cock appears on our phone screen.
Now, if you want to send a pic of you dressed up like a naughty Captain Jack Sparrow? Let’s talk.
And speaking of pictures… Can we stop using words like catfish and fatfish, when you’re holding an actual picture of a fish that is just as repulsive as your physical expectations? Hold up the last book you read. That would be impressive. What’s not impressive is saying you went to the school of hard knocks. We all have. Find some originality, dude.
Sorry. I do have this tendency to tangent at times. Why am I single? Haha. Anyway…
Next: the ‘let’s just meet up and have sex’ matches. Here’s my problem with this one: you are basically telling me that you KNOW from a PICTURE or two that we are going to have enough physical chemistry to want to fuck upon meeting? In what universe?
Yes, I understand that there are men and women just looking to get laid and that this interaction is common. Again, not judging the mutually-reciprocated desires. My point is: when this intention is mixed within the same atmosphere of real dating interest, it’s no wonder that no one can ever find what they are truly looking for on either side of the spectrum. Hookups find relationship-seekers, and LTRs find FWBs.
Maybe if people actually read the profiles or were honest on them, they would realistically match with what they were looking for without surprises or false expectations.
But I digress—there are way too many variations of dating I could get into here but won’t. The perspective I am diving into in this book is actually one of intentional dating and not straight-up sex—though, as you will see, I have had my share of diverse intentions as this process ebbed and flowed. I haven’t been all goody-two-shoes the whole time, but I’ve learned a lot about personal limits and expectations along the way.
Back to my picture pondering. I get that we are gauging potential attraction based on mere pictures, and for some of us (ME), what we read in the profiles also contributes to the interest factor. (Yes, I read them. I actually, truthfully read them.) As a sapiosexual, I will admit that a man’s choice of words can further the attraction behind the scenes.
But am I going to predict whether I will find you (or expect you to find me) appealing enough to dive right in? Hell, no.
Traditional one-night stands work well because the in-person spark is the chemistry catalyst that catapults us into the immediate rush of sex (even under beer-goggle circumstances). Planning it based on an online interaction does NOT have the same effect. Trust me: we ALL look different in 3D, and our energy vibes do not always match the 2D.
So if you are online looking for a guaranteed one-night stand, at least from me, I’m gonna have to pass because those opportunities are reserved for the impromptu, out-of-town, charming millennial bartenders who give me just the right amount of free alcohol....
To read the rest of the introduction and book, you can order it in paperback or kindle version on Amazon here: https://www.amazon.com/dp/1954687133
"Dear Bumbling Boy feels like a cozy, amusing conversation with a close friend. In this part dating-memoir, part character-study, Dee captures much of the essence of the modern online romantic experience in all of its horrific, hilarious, and confusing glory."
- Joelene Pynnonen, Independent Book Review