After moving back, there was a huge healing process that I was about to begin. I hadn’t recognized at the time that part of my self-destruction and depression was due to ignoring my innate sense of adventure. I had always thirsted for knowledge in the form of school, travel and reading: all of which had been denied during the last few years. But I had not uncovered that—yet.
What I did uncover was the resurgence of a curiosity I had always had: astrology.
I was connected to a website through an old high school friend of mine, and immediately was hooked on learning everything I could about what astrology was really all about. Then I had my first chart reading, which completely blew me away. This man had described me to a tee, and then revealed things about me that I at first rejected as nonsense, yet heard my soul cry out, yes! Yes, finally, you recognize that I am a part of you!
It just so happened that I was going through what is termed a Saturn return, followed by Saturn in my sun. For those who do not know astrology, it is a point in time where the energies of the planets basically go into your life and force you to evaluate what works and what doesn’t, and if it doesn’t and you ignore it, the universe will remove it anyway—sometimes without mercy.
And that is exactly what had happened to me. What I had closed my eyes to and ignored was blatantly thrown right into my face so that I could no longer live in denial. And beginning to understand that, and learning the true meaning of gratitude, lessons and faith, I began to come out of my isolated coma and back into the world.
My healing had begun, and I took it on with full force. I tried to read every book I could on astrology so that I could understand my chart—and myself—better. I met so many wonderful people online, and their wisdom, love and support shifted my whole perspective on life. I was able to reconnect with old friends who surprisingly stood by my side, forgiving me for my withdrawal, and my family embraced me back with excitement that I had returned.
Life was still a struggle; getting a divorce, figuring out child support, letting go of the impact a foreclosure has on your perfect credit score, and trying to figure out how to raise two children completely on your own was no easy task. But somehow, with all of this positive energy and healing tools behind me, I was beginning to let go of all of the blame I put on others and accept responsibility for my own feelings, actions and expectations.
I was introduced to the concept of “forgiveness”—and that changed everything for me.
Having this new source of inspiration and wisdom created a spark that had long been doused in me. I wanted to know more about the planets, and all of these different concepts of spirituality that I heard about. I felt like I was really stepping into my power. The wisdom from my reading, and my new mentor, helped me to see that my life was a big adventure. That all those feelings I had when I was in a spotlight as a wrestler’s girlfriend, and that my desire to help others was more than just a dream, but a purpose; that loving my self was the most profound thing that I could do for me and my children, as this was all part of who I was, and who I needed to be.
Navigating these new self-empowerment waters was tricky. Relationships were put to the test. I pushed boundaries—my own, and others’. I think it is natural after any extreme life transition that imbalance and rebellion occurs, and that’s what I was experiencing. After being a hermit for so long, my social life became a huge priority for me—as did men. In my quest for self-worth, I sought validation in the wrong places.
I was struggling with the morals and values I was brought up with, and the new, independent beliefs that were developing within me. I cared a lot about my appearance, experimenting with darker hair and sexier clothing, now that the stress of a divorce and move somehow triggered a weight loss of over 70 pounds. I felt beautiful again, something I had not felt in a very, very long time.
I was a walking dichotomy as I went through this energetic adventure.
I would be peaceful (for the most part) with my ex, because I was committed to not being vengeful in any way; I refused to have my children grow up in a broken home where the parents were always at odds with each other, or badmouthing each other. I made sure both of them were in therapy to get the professional help that I could not provide so that they adapted to this new life in an emotionally stable way. Every action I took where they were concerned was to ensure they never felt unloved, blamed, unsupported or unstable; and so far, it’s worked.
But on the flip side, when it came to me, the healing rollercoaster unraveled behavioral traits that weren’t necessarily accepted, but critical to my self-discovery. Sometimes a walk on the dark side is exactly what we need to see—and embrace—our true light. I am extremely grateful for every single lesson my Saturn transits taught me, even the most difficult of ones. I am glad to have gone through everything that I had went through. I regret nothing.
This energetic (and spiritual) journey awakened me to the source of who I was; the source of my pains and my patterns; the doors to my passions and my purposes; the depth of my ability to forgive and to love, despite character flaws; the unlimited amount of my own strength, courage and resilience; to the acceptance of the light and the dark within me, and to the realization that I was a powerful being. A being whose destiny is love, adventure and inspiration; a destiny that would never be denied again.
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