Never in a million years would I imagine the intensity of transformation I would undergo after my divorce, nor the paths it would lead me to, the doors that would open or the exploration of worlds unknown that I would encounter. You know that feeling when you just KNOW something is meant to be, or KNOW that you are meant to be connected to a certain person, and you just can’t explain it? That was the feeling I got when I was introduced to the astrological website I mentioned earlier.
One glance and the familiarity of it all was like a magnet, drawing me in to a destiny I was finally ready to uncover.
A whole new world was discovered. Wisdom. Healing. Mind expansion. International connections. Loving friendships. Technological advances. Inner discovery. I owe most of my enlightenment, awareness and healing to this community I became an integral part of. What was really cool about it was that it opened me up to the possibilities of unlimited adventure—and that’s when I really started getting back into my love of traveling.
It all started out with an overseas friend making a journey out to California; the hub of where our loving community lay. I decided then and there that I, too, was going to make that journey, and together we began rallying for a summer summit: a meeting of all of these amazing people who worked alongside each other daily, but only knew each other electronically. I was able to not only manifest a cheap ticket out to Los Angeles thanks to an old friend of mine who worked for the airline, but I scored one as well for another girl who lived in Pennsylvania nearby state so that she could come out with me.
She stayed at my house before we left, and we became instant friends. We felt like we had known each
other forever, and were soon to find out that it would be the same feeling with just about everyone else we were about to meet on the West Coast.
I remember the moment we landed and I got into that rental car—I knew exactly where I was. I had been here before.
Technically, yes, I was, on my way back from my Hawaii trip, but it wasn’t that kind of familiarity. It was much, much deeper. I drove on the roads like I had driven them before. I knew where I was going, and if I got lost, I had an internal GPS that guided me right back to where I needed to be. There was a freedom in the air. An intense freedom that I could not even explain, but just felt to my core. There is this energy about California that to this day beckons to my soul; a deep calling that I am meant to be there. I was only there for a three-day weekend, but it was among the most powerful weekends of my life. I met people from all over the world who I had email and/or phone conversations with, so when I saw them in person, it was just as if we were just finally catching up after not seeing each other for a while. It was mind-boggling how we all felt the same way. And everyone was every bit as kind, loving and genuine as they seemed to be. I was in complete awe of this collection of “lightworkers,” and honored to be standing among them as a newbie.
But being a newbie, I felt the intensity of the energy, and began breaking down. Every insecurity, past and present, started to surface. In the beginning of the evening, it was only a few of us together for dinner, and it was so comfortable and natural. I felt loved and like I belonged, and it was just the perfect size for me to really feel safe. And then we moved onto the party, where more and more people began to join, and the once confident Jenny was starting to shrivel up into her shy Virgo in the corner defense mode.
What made matters worse was as others kept drinking, I was getting more sober. And uncomfortable.
Not because anyone made me feel that way, but because I started feeling once again, my old pattern,
as if I did not belong there. I wasn’t good enough.
I was no longer shining with personalized attention, but just another person in the room.
At one point, I had broken down crying, and a few people were kind enough to talk me through it until I felt a little better. And then since I was pegged trustworthy, and sober, I became the designated caretaker for a select few who were a little on the inebriated side.
The next morning, while everyone in my room was sleeping, I snuck outside to the balcony where the beautiful morning weather welcomed me with loving winds, and a shoulder to cry on. I don’t know exactly what I was crying about, but I began bawling my eyes out. It felt like every ounce of pain within me wanted to be released, and as much as I wanted to control it so that no one in the room would wake up and see me, my emotions betrayed me and there was no stopping it.
My one roomie found me and she brought me inside after she told our other roomie that I was crying. I was so angry because I didn’t want him to know, or anyone to know, how weak I was being, or think I was always this emotional. But he insisted I come in and talk with him, as my new girlfriend stepped out for a bit.
That was a very difficult—but extremely healing—morning in my life.
It had been a long time since I had been held in a man’s arms, even platonically, and yet he lovingly held me as I cried, talked and shared my heart’s pain with him. I covered everything from my childhood anger about my dad, to the dissolution of my marriage. And he just let me get it all out, allowing me to finally
express my deepest vulnerabilities to someone, and not feel ashamed of it. Even though I was in therapy at the time, there was something much different about opening the deepest parts of your heart to someone outside of a professional setting.
He was so very kind and gentle about my feelings, helping me to see that holding on to all of this pain was hurting me more than if I would just let it all go. I had no idea that someone could be so loving and supportive, and that you could be so genuinely close with someone without any ulterior motives. Time had made me bitter against all men; my dad, my ex-husband, the few men who were more than willing to soothe me temporarily with casual, non-committal encounters.
But here, with this particular man, I felt safe. I felt unjudged, and truly cared about. He helped me see certain things about myself, and how I needed to release so many of these wounds and start loving myself. He helped me to realize that what I craved from men was not attention, but affection—and that this is what I deserved. It shifted my whole perspective and made me realize what I was blocking out of my life out of fear; fear of rejection and abandonment. From that moment on, a bond was formed and an awareness created, and I will forever be grateful for that heartfelt moment.
The rest of the weekend was filled with similar breakdowns and breakthroughs. I felt like it was a never-ending therapy session in a sense, as this intense healing went on. And not just with support from him, but also from a few of the other wonderful friends I had the opportunity to bond with over those next few days.
I had forged strong friendships with these people I had just met overnight, yet somehow I knew our souls have known each other for many lifetimes, and were just waiting for the right time to meet up in this one.
We enjoyed days at the beach, fun dinners, movie nights in, swims in the pool and deep conversations in the hot tub. Not only did I shed a lot of emotional baggage, but I allowed myself to let my guard down with these strangers and step outside of my comfort zone, letting the true me out without fear that what they saw would not be good enough; because with them, I was. And, without them, I came to realize, I also was.
There was such a sense of freedom and relief being there in California, in that environment of love, that I did not even want to go home. In fact, I had emailed one of my best friends at home to tell her just that. I just couldn’t bear to tear myself away. I went for a walk one morning on my own, and asked for a sign. I felt in my gut that I wasn’t ready to leave. I came across a little European café that reminded me of Spain, and I ordered what I had gotten oh so many times in my favorite one in Barcelona, and sat outside praying for guidance. I kept feeling my Nanny’s presence, and was reminded of a revelation I had recently in therapy: that I wanted—no needed—to find my access to my inner Spain all over again.
A huge part of my life was missing ever since I came home from Barcelona, and I needed to reclaim it.
I needed to stop blaming others and external circumstances for my lack of happiness, success or peace, and just surrender it. That café was my sign, and I chose to extend my stay one more night. I did not want to live with the regret of leaving too soon, and it was the right decision to make. We all had an opportunity to strengthen our new friendships even more, and it helped me to alter my state of mind
from this emotional turmoil to one of joyous peace within—and take it home with me.
I have been back to California to visit these friends four times since, each trip different, yet never matching the experience of my first time. Some visits were downright disappointing, and eventually the blissful union of souls was no more. Though I remain individually connected to almost everyone I met that first night, the magic of the community is physically gone.
But I will never forget the power of our togetherness; of the light and love that was brought into my life; of the intense healing I received that opened me up to more intimate relationships, more powerful ways of being and more love for myself. It was a journey that was divinely created for me, and I will cherish the memories and lessons forever.
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